okay, i'm back to blogging about my life! :]
the crying phrase is like, finally over.

i went to watch Singapore VS Malaysia
with rafe on saturday at the national stadium.
i like, almost fell alseep afew times
cos of lack of sleep for the past few days.
it's like daaaaamn boring during the 1st half can,
like, no gooooals or anything.
i was like shouting,

"GOAL GOAL GOAL, I WANT GOOOALS!"

i think malaysia's supporters very poor thing.
cos like, you see the patch of yellow there?
it's just like, prolly 1/30 of the whoooooole national stadium?








we went out on sunday too,
watched The Loft.
and it's like OMG, the corny-iest movie
i've ever watched up till now.
hahas, it's like they say things like.


" we're free from everything now!
we'll go travelling, just you &me
till the end of the world! "


then the corpse was wheeled up
of the swamp by some machine thing,
and the guy was so terrified he fell
into the swamp and prolly just died too.
doesn't that just sounds so lame &corny?


VicsonHuang &FidelisToh.
we were like, in the middle of Praise &Worship meeting.
bored till.. i grew a moustache.

This was yesterday.
we were in ZARA's dressing room,
trying out some stuff.
but we were so bored we slacked there
for at least 10 mins,
talking &laughing so loudly in there.

&one thing,
i quitted my job at the childcare centre last week,
they gave me a baluku on my head can.
sooooo, i'm reaaaaally slacking now,
if you're free, feel free to ask me out!
i'd love some company too. :]

Note:
this is going to be a long long post.
don't read it if you're here to be entertained or anysort.
cos it might be boring for you,
but it's definitely very impt for me.
and don't comment too much, rubbish.

it's saturday, 27 january, 6.00am 7.45am 8.07am
and i haven't even sleep yet,
i couldn't sleep
and a call, left me
feeling even more hurt than i was before.
it's nobody's fault but mine.

i'm being hated,
my heart really hurts,
it's the feeling as if a hand
is wrapped tightly over my heart,
squeezing it. not letting me breathe properly.
probably some of you have experienced this before?
that who did not will prolly think i'm being drama.
okay. whatever.

cos he said i made this brkup a big hoo-ha.
did i really?

prolly cos those things were written,
when i was really pissed.
i think i really am a hell to have for a gf,
(especially if bf is someone who's somewhat famous)
and now after i'm not angry anymore,
i'm going to blog about things
that really comes from my heart.
things that i really wanna tell him,
without any regret.

i'm really scared when i saw the increasing
no. of people flocking into my blog,
i'm scared when i got to know,
people from everywhere
actually discussing about our brk-up.

i've nvr expected this to happen,
just from an angry angry blog entry,
i don't like the attention either.
i thought i'll just be treated like a madwoman
with a broken heart, bullshitting.
although, i'm not blabbering rubbish.



Deep inside me,
definitely i would want my ex bf,
to remember the best of me,
of what he used to love me for,
of our fond memories,
just not hate me.
someone who is my first,
closest human to me for the past 2years.
hating me? it's almost unbearable..

memories like
the feeling of having me in those warm arms.
laughing together over silly things like,
"YOU MAGGOT! FO MAGGOT!"
and failing to blow the plastic balloon up.
the sweetest things i've/he've/we've done.
sweet little things that we've done quietly,
not letting each other know,
that probably will make the other half happier.

although it might had gone unnoticed by my other half,
mistaken, that i do not support him/do childish things
and spoilt things for him.
things like that coming from the mouth of
someone i still have feelings for.
it broke my heart more than all the uncertainties.

i've been proud of him, just quietly.
smiling as i look at him performing on the stage.
there's the only place where he shines like that.
i've always thought of that,
but i have never tell him that.
but i'm not regretting just yet,
cos i'm saying all my feelings out loud now!



we've always been a loving couple,
and i'm more than happy to be with the one i love,
to make shepherd's pie for him,
(i know it sounds so random, but ..)

i remember us saying that
i wanna be a sweet laopuo who awaits
for her loving husband to come home
to be cuddled by him,
going to a snowy country together,
just bcos i have not seen snow,
and he wants to bring me.
planning abt the kind of house we wanna live in,
the type of furnishing we would love,
he'll love the sleeky, black leather.
while i love the cottage/country style,
we said that we'll retire to aust/NZ
when we're both old,
and i can have my favourite
cottage country style furnishing.
the dogs we wanna have together.
those sweet,wet kisses on my cheeks.
those walks to visit the doggies,
your arm hung relaxed over my shoulder,
my face would light up when i see my favourite collie.
and having the nicest &sweetest
tasting spaghetti served to me,
just when i'm complaining that i don't feel loved enough.

probably, our best memories.
yet to me not a bit silly at all.
i'll nvr be able to list out everything
you made me smile about,

before fame stepped into his life.
and changed everything,
our love changed,
his life changed,
my life changed,
he changed,
i changed.
from the soft, dreamy girl.
who didn't know how scary and tough this world can be.
to yet still the soft, dreamy girl,
who finally see abit of the real world.
but still feel that this is a beautiful world, although flawed.

it's just fame.
that caused everything to change.
probably, we weren't meant to be from the start.
objections, 3rd parties, uncertainties.

people, please stop scolding him.
it really doesn't make me feel any better.
he didn't want his love for me to change either,
i believe it did not feel good for him too.
he tried, but failed.
he had his share of feeling like a bastard.
a hurting monster to me.
he's having his punishment too,
no more favourite yummy aussie chicken,
sugared heartshaped pretzel biscuit.
all by me!

and i wouldn't want a guy i've loved with all my love,
and only to be loved back half-heartedly. Right?
i want someone, who really wanna make me smile
and touch me from his heart.
and not just trying.
but wholeheartedly. (:

no matter how tough i act,
how hurt i am.
how much i say i hate him before,
i don't.
these great memories will always be the ones,
that will remind me of him.
i wanna end this r/s willingly,
hopefully, not full of hatred.
of cos i don't want him to get over me
so quickly and be with a girl now.
i'll be so upset ):
even when we both are on the same street someday.
although we're not hugging each other,
but we can pass each other with a smile &hello.
although i'm typing this with tears in my eyes,
someday, we will. someday.
idon't want 2 years of r/s to just disappear!
it'll be such a shame,
he's the only one who knows me that well.
it'll probably be another dream of mine,
but yeah, i believe,
he will not hate me as he says he does!
cos i think, ultimately the things he'll rmb of me
is how loveable, sweet, guai, cute, angelic i am!
not in just anyone's eyes,
but his, just like how he use to
look into my eyes and say (:

although i cried alot,
but there's always gonna be an ending to a story.
and this is how i prefer to end it.

and of cos, MY PEANUTBUTTER!
i've been neglecting them for days,
in the sense that, i did not let them
out of their cage to roam around.
NOT TORTURING THEM AND NOT
GIVING THEM FOOD OF COURSE!

and again!
all this not because i want him back or anything.
nope.
because i don't want regrets.

so it's just like, a closure for me.

but i just can't get them out in words.

so, i had to blog it out!

it's time for..
a guy who, loves me wholeheartedly. (:

i guess it's just a habit,
i've thought over and felt that
crying and being upset over him is so..
worthless.

anyway. he might be there,
talking to her on the phone,
not abit guilty at all, flirting endlessly with her.
we'll never know you know?
someone like him.

since i've set my mind on forgetting him,
i will.
and people who cares for me as a friend,
like jeline &florella.
i know they'll be rooting for me,
and be really proud of me.

florella was like daaaaamn shocked tday,
like,

"WAHH, FidelisToh. this is really the
1st time you're like so determined loh."

and i remembered that they were like
really really angry with me
when i patched with him the
1st time after he went "out of track."
i'm glad i have friends like that.

btw, i can't stop yakking recently
i have to keep talking and talking and talking.
laughing and laughing,
small details cracks me up like craaaazy,
it's a great feeling,
like my hyper-ness is fffffinally coming back to me.
and it's has gone missing for too long. (:

he cracked me up like SIAO LAH,
desmond &me were like talking abt this toilet i went to
at yck swiming complex,

cos it's like dimly lited, empty,
and one of the lights like.. on off on off.
and i find it so errie that i rushed out in 4 mins.
then he told me:

" Hahas then u nver see my workplace toilet loh,
the toilet bowl like kena bomb all black with shit,
then floor all urine no light at all one.
then outside the cubicle all is urine
then got the ammonia smell
cos the urine dried up until left v
ery concentrated puddle of urine,
the whew can tahan stronger
then the school lab ammonia acid ... "

i think i will die working at that kind of place can.


a friend and i was talking abt
what kinda disgusting games
and things we did with our EXs in the past.

you know, on those long boring bus rides?
me and him will like,
lick our palms then bua on each others face
then when we start to play until very excited
we'll grab each others face and lick!

once he tickled me then
i like puffed up my mouth then *BUUUUU*
all the saliva spray at his face
then we will continue like
breathing deeper and deeper
then more and more saliva spraying out!

or else i'll put alot alot lip gloss!
then purposely kiss kiss kiss him
all over his face!
HE HAAAAATES THAT.

and for HIM,

he's sleeping and
she took like, 5 packets of curry sauce,
pour on his leg,
pour on his face,
pour on his hand.

feed her fries,
put alot of chilli sauce,
then gonna go into the mouth,
take the fries full of chilli sauce bua the face.

i think we all have our digusting and gross side right?
HEHEHEEE
but it's fun mar, who cares if it's disgusting?

and to make myself clear again,
i'm not thinking of him/trying to
find back great memories.
i just find them plain amusing.

and like abig fat surprise.
a cheer up msg from someone
i didnt even know he was in my friendster friends list!

"chhhheerr up!! don't lose ur smile
just for someone who did u wrong
cos u never know who is
attracted to it =)

cheer up gal,
don't cry for someone who not worth ur tears."

and somebody told me,

"Never make someone a priority
when they only make you an option"

yes, i know.
got alot of "somebody told me"s.
but it's so darn true.
i'm not gonna be his sparetyre anymore.

i don't even think abt him anymore.
i'm so proud of myself,
i did not even cry once tday okay!
not even a drop of tear.
i'll get over him, even before i know it. (:

Note:
This blog is for me to write about my life,
so leon's fans/friends/family if after reading this post
you feel it is really unfair for me
to go yakking about his faults.
you still got to keep your mouth shut.
i know he's got his good points
more than anyone of you.
i didnt love him for nothing for this 2 years,
i really did gave everything.
but too bad, i'm pissed.
PISSED.

why don't you put yourself in my shoes
having a bf that tells you
that he's uncertain of his love towards you every few months?
before you start typing and hurling insults at me,
i'm tired of the things that happened to me this past days.
and ohyes leon lim, i'd like this post to be very, very detailed.
you know i like to get things done the way i like it,
shut up cos y've done me wrong.
not once, but twice.


i went shopping with jeline today,
bought a pair of really nice flats at topshop!
it was like 93 bucks,
but luckily it was on discount
then we went to daiso and jeline practically went crazy.
i keep thinking of him all the time
everywhere i went, it just reminds me of him.


and on my way home in the mrt..
He msg me asking me, did i think carefully
if i am i'm love with him or is it all really just a habit?
then i said "i really miss you,
wheni do everything i'll think of you"
then he said,

• he said he didn't wanna be unfair to me cos he wasn't certain of his feelings.

• he said he felt bad abt it bcos he liked another girl when i was with him last time.

then i said, that is like history already,
i have already accept it as it is, why can't you?
then you know what's the next msg?

" i like another girl recently,
BUT don't worry i didn't do anything about it"

what a confession.
wow, so i've to start worrying only after he did sth about it?
and shameful me cried like a madhouse in the mrt.
thank god jeline was with me.


this is not fair, i did alot for this relationship to make it work.
when i ask him if i can go out with this guy,
he say no.
then i don't go out with him.
so i hardly even go out with my friends.
can anybody tell me why i deserve this?
he was telling me he don't deserve me yesterday,
i did not understand why he said that then,
and now i know why.
and yes, you don't deserve my love.
somebody as unfaithful as him,
don't deserve me showing even abit of love to him
don't deserve me cooking for him
don't deserve me massaging for him
don't deserve me
putting ANY effort into the r/s for him
i don't owe you anything to have
all this shit thrown to me to break my heart.


then after all the crying, i started thinking.
if he have this chance to like this blah blah girl,
that means he lied to me and went out with her?
lying bastard.


who was the one who said he regretted
lying to me and being with that slut, the 1st time he strayed?
who was the one who said
he nvr wanna hurt me again and come back to him?
great, it's just myself to blame.
everyone was like telling me, if he can stray once,
he will do the 2nd time.
but thanks, for giving me a reason to hate you and move on.
and you still have to guts to call me
and ask me to listen to how you feel?
bu yao lian




To leon lim:
stop caring for me this very moment,
you know i'm soft-hearted
so get your smelly arse far away from me now.
from now on, get off my case and fuckoff

w're going on our separate ways.
we've shared beautiful memories
and only with you to spoil everything
break my trust and my heart.
but now i've only negative thoughts for you.
wanna know how badly i'm thinking of you now?
i think you're gonna get over me and go chase after that blahblah girl.
and you're gonna spend v'day with that bitch too.
yes, i know you'd be cursing me after reading this post.
but i DO NOT CARE.

and what? i don't believe in love at 1st sight.
and i tell you, i haven't fell head over heels
over you the moment i saw you.
it was until we understand each other
and when i started to love your company.
so you can like a girl when you
just went out with her for one day?
so, two years is nothing.
but a waste of my youth?

i can tell you, its LUST.
lust is nvr lasting.

and you're so freaking possesive you know?
till i start learning from you and not letting you go out with girls.
happy?

And although we shared to buy peanutbutter.
they're mine.
don't tell me what bullshit like
you're responsible for them.
and say what meet up once
in awhile to pass me their food etc.
i don't ever wanna see you again,
and beware,
i might not be able to resist
to give you a big tight slap
if i met you on the streets.

for these two years
you were the most important person in my life,
i'd love to be in your arms forever,
but you didn't cherish me.
and i'm nvr gonna be there for you anymore.

and yes, i'd like to say that again
that you don't deserve me.
some things like being unfaithful,
once is enough, twice is unforgivable.

and people, now i'm leon's EX,
and i'm single.
don't you ever call me leon's gf if you see me on the streets.
i'd get mad.

i broke up with him today,
my mind is too blank to say anything.
but, a heartache.

this 2 years plus relationship kinda ended so ..
i don't know what to say.
told you my mind is blank.

i'm having a fever,
i missed having him to sayang me when i'm ill.

bran, you're such a nice nice guy.
but i hate swallowing those pills,
so please don't say you'll bring me to the doctor again.

i don't know what to say.
byebye